Current list of failed techniques:
Relaxing, Breathing - X
Bearing Down in all recommended positions - X
Keigels - X
Warm Bath - X
Spoons - X
Crochet Hooks - X
Booze and Relaxing Music - X
I would just wait for it to fill up and break it's own seal but it leaks out blood every time I pee so that doesn't seem to be the progress I'd want to be making. Besides, the stem is lodged into my pubic bone. And apparently I have my own gravity, because over the last few days it's only made its way UP, not down. This is NOT a "dry run," (not sure why anyone would try that, honestly) I am not shy around my lady parts, I've used pretty much everything else with fine results.
This is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever written.
UPDATE: It's OUT! My gynecologist finally seemed to get the message and had me come in today so he could extract the offending interloper. Even with those long long clippy/forceps-y things, a speculum and an assistant, it was an effort. His opinion is that it would have been nearly impossible for me to get this out on my own. Here's what happened: In his opinion, the model 2 size was too big. Even though I've had a kid, my parts are pretty small and long (knowing this, I had an instinct to get the smaller size, but didn't listen to my inner voice) so I didn't really have the inner capacity for the top of the ring to fully open in my vagina. It worked its way up to above my pubic bone, where it had more room to expand. Then, it filled like a balloon. In my understanding, it expanded to the full capacity of the wider area above my pubic bone to my cervix. That, in cooperation with a fairly decently suctioned death grip on my aforementioned cervix, was what caused the problem.
Probably, with a REALLY tight grip on the stem and a fair amount of lubrication, I may have had a shot, but doing this on my own with my limited range of reach made it pretty unlikely I'd have succeeded solo.
So here's the lesson (because I did want to learn from it so that one day I can try again): Research the options, specs and features between the different cups and try to match as best as one can based on what we know about our own bodies.
Thanks for being there, folks, it was a comfort in a weird and difficult time.