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helina1
Well, after the Femmecup incident, I managed to wear it properly and decided it was too short for my medium cervix, so I bought a Diva cup and a Lunette and I planned on trading the Femmecup on mc-sales... until today. My mom went rummaging through my stuff and found my hiding place for all of my cups. Last year, I brought up the topic of cups to my mom and she said that she didn't want me using cups and listed some absurd reasons as for why. She got really mad at me when she found out I had 3 of them, so I lied a bit and said I won them. My mom said that I put out my "personal information" like my date of birth and my real name, on the internet and the companies could use it for identity theft. She also said it was a stupid idea to want to "shove a foreign object up your vagina" and that using them would destroy my vagina since I'm only 13. I thought that sounded ridiculous, but my mom didn't wanna hear it. She confiscated all my cups and even the boxes they came in. She told me that since she never thought of shoving any random thing inside her and walking around in it, I shouldn't either. She even said that it could give me a UTI, which could kill me. She even looked at the stem on my Lunette. She said that it could stab me while I wore it and I might bleed to death if that happened. Yes, I said it was silicone, thus making it very hard to cut skin, but she didn't wanna hear it. But the thing is, my mom never even knew cups existed before I talked to her about it. In fact, she doesn't even know about reusable pads. She makes me use those Always pads, which I despise because they keep me up at night worrying about leaks, and whenever I stand up, I just feel all the blood rush out, and I hate that feeling. I don't bring extra pads to school because of the people that go through your stuff, so I wear 4 at a time to reduce the chance of leaking, and yet I still suffer major leaks, and got 2 yeast infections and several rashes from them, not t mention a ruined mattress and several ruined blankets and clothes. I never even had a chance to try my Diva cup or the Lunette because I got them after my period and planned to try one in March. My mom said she threw them out since I wouldn't ever use one, but I found the pouches in her drawer while sneaking around and found nothing in he trash, so I'm positive she still has my cups. I don't know if I should take the risk and steal them back, or if I should just keep using those pads.


I finally got back my internet privileges, and I already deduced a plan that I hope will work. Since she seems to be getting over the whole cup thing, I'm going to talk to my mom about Lunapads and see what she thinks. I already know by now that I'm definitely not a "pad" person, but Lunapads seem a heck of a lot more convenient for me than Always pads. I think that she might be a bit more open to the idea of reusable pads since they too require no insertion. If it works out, then perhaps a few years later I could bring back up the topic of cups again.
 
Luceafaraluceafara on February 23rd, 2014 05:55 pm (UTC)
I feel for you. When I got my period, my mom was totally backwards and cited Eve's sin and how now all women should suffer and not use tampons (Gosh, she totally changed later, but was super pseudo Christian for a while). No offense to anyone's beliefs, but my Mom's made her very backwards while she was holding on to hers.

I ended up using tampons and hiding them, and I am glad I did, because her reasons were plain stupid. After a while, I did not even have to hide them any more and we never talked about it. If I had known about menstrual cups then, I would have bought one and just worn it every day, that way she could never find it. That's just me, though. (BTW, I do wear cups every day anyway.)
It could be that she threw them out and kept the pouches, but if you can find them...

I can't tell you to defy your mom, but having been in the same situation, I can tell you that I personally never regretted deciding what to use for myself... I only wish I could have had an open relationship with her.

Having to wear four pads at a time is something nobody should have to go through, especially not a 13 year old.

Edited at 2014-02-23 11:15 pm (UTC)
Stefaninastefanina on February 23rd, 2014 06:19 pm (UTC)
Talk to your doctor, your school counselor, even a trusted adult at your church. Get another adult who can and will talk toy your mother on your behalf, since directly talking to her isn't working.
It sounds like your mother is not one that recognizes that maturity occurs whether she likes it or not, or that you should control your own body.

Jennifer Monoteasy2begreen on February 23rd, 2014 08:34 pm (UTC)
That's a tough position to be in. :-( I don't know if it's any help, but a number of teens have posted on this board about how cups freaked out their moms. It's probably a pretty normal reaction. I know my mom didn't really approve of even tampons for years after I hit menarche. I didn't discover cups until much later. If your mom is open to listening (if she's mostly angry because you went behind her back, she might cool down and be more receptive later; if you have a difficult relationship in which not much communication happens, maybe not), other teens have made powerpoint presentations on the benefits of cups. I think one of the biggest selling points is the reduced risk of TSS, which actually can and does cause death among teens (the death by UTI thing is a bit overblown ...antibiotics are a wonder of the modern age!). It sounds like you have really heavy cycles that cause you considerable stress, so that would be another reason to switch to something higher capacity and more reliable than pads. Also, silicone is chemically inert, unlike some of the plastics that go into pads, and some people have reported that their cycles lightened after switching to cups.

I would probably be unable to resist the temptation to look for my cups, but I don't want to give you advice that could get you into more trouble. If you have a good friend or trustworthy adult you see often, you could ask them to carry your cup for you when you don't need it. At the very least, find multiple hiding spots!
fragment_aeriefragment_aerie on February 23rd, 2014 09:50 pm (UTC)
It's up to you, how comfortable you are or aren't with defying or confronting your mom. You know your home life better than we do, and what your mom is like.
My mom can be a bit crazy, so in your situation, I wouldn't try to take the cups she already has. If she notices, you're screwed. I'd get a new one, and I wouldn't leave it anywhere she could find it. I'd wear it, I might keep it in an inconspicuous box in my locker if I felt it was secure, I might make a secret pocket in a jacket or purse, or buy one. They're usually billed as 'security pockets'. I think they also make stuffed animals with pockets, if you still have any of those around to blend the hidey-bear in with so it isn't obvious.
Kai: 2Cupskuradi8 on February 23rd, 2014 10:18 pm (UTC)
No, don't steal them back and don't admit to sneaking around through her stuff to look for them. In fact, stop doing that altogether. If you want her to respect your privacy, then you should respect hers as well.

I hope you two can work this out without any hard feelings.
Kai: 2Cupskuradi8 on February 25th, 2014 12:56 am (UTC)
I've been giving this some thought.

= You asked to use cups; your mother said no; you did it anyway.
= When you got caught, you lied about it.
= When your mother took them away, you went snooping through her things to look for them.
= Now you've asked for our advice on whether or not to steal them back,
= and have gotten advice about how to sneak cup/tampon use behind your mother's back.

Even though you think she's being unreasonable, your mother just wants to look out for your health and well being. Apparently she thinks you're too young to be putting things into your vagina. You have already betrayed her trust by defying her wishes. She probably can't prove you were lying but your story about winning the cups in a contest was an equally poor decision. She's right that contests are often scams to get your personal information. Snooping, stealing and sneaking behind her back will not help your case.

Even though I support your desire to use cups -- no, I don't think you should continue to actually do so without your mother's blessing, however reluctant it might eventually be. I think it's more important that you keep a good relationship with your mother, even if it means having to take "no" for an answer once in a while.

Like I said, I hope you two can work this out.

Edited for wording.

Edited at 2014-02-25 12:58 am (UTC)
super top secret7deadlysins on February 24th, 2014 01:49 am (UTC)
wow, that is really terrible. I am sorry you are in this situation. I second the person who said find a trusted adult to talk to about it. Your mother obviously isn't ready to accept that you are turning into an adult. Based on my experience, until she does accept it, you yourself will be unable to reason with her, so might as well save your energy and bide your time until you can find an ally (guidance counselor, your friend's mom, maybe the sex ed teacher from your school?) or older family member who might help.

I wish there was more I could do to help.

edit: could you borrow some tampons from a friend or from the school nurse so you don't have to deal with pads when you're at school, at least? when you're at home, do whatever you have to to keep your mom off your back, but she can't control you when you're in school.

Edited at 2014-02-24 01:52 am (UTC)
Serpent: arpiserpent_849 on February 24th, 2014 04:12 am (UTC)
*hugs*
yes, speak to another adult. prepare in advance and try to use facts and avoid calling statements ridiculous even if that's what they are. for example one important fact is that for centuries, girls would get married and give birth to children at about your age.

unlike tampons, there are also no known deaths linked to cup use, or even no known cases of TSS. focus on how cups are different from tampons. (edit: that's if said adult has concerns about cups BECAUSE of having concerns about tampons/that "foreign object" rhetoric. if you speak to a tampon user, don't prove that cups are better. but be flexible. if it's clear that the person approves of tampons but thinks you're too young to use them, point out the advantages of cups, gently and without bashing their choices. also, check out the tags i added to your post)

and definitely don't be embarrassed to take extra pads to school. i'm sure most of those who have periods do that. (i hope you mean security checks and not bullying. if it's fellow pupils who go through your stuff, get help asap) also, you can keep the pads in your pockets rather than school bag.

Edited at 2014-02-24 05:00 am (UTC)
britbritandmebritbritandme on February 25th, 2014 03:50 am (UTC)
You have received some good advice from people already. Instead of offering my advice, I just want to say you are so smart! So many people don't know what you know about your body at the age of 50. You are so ahead of the curve and I just encourage you to keep expanding your mind. Your mom may not understand, but I'm am certain that she loves you and is doing this out of love.

gallifreystandsgallifreystands on February 28th, 2014 11:24 pm (UTC)
I can see why this would be tough... Kudos to you for not caving as soon as your mom got mad!

First off, it's important to consider that your body is your body. By the time the next Winter Olympics rolls around, you'll probably be finishing up high school and then moving out... And at that point, you become the one who is 100% responsible for your body. I think it's great that you're already looking into solutions that are healthier for you and the environment and took initiative to use them! So I just want to be clear that I am completely behind your motivation. One hundred and one percent. But...

I don't know what your mum was taught about cups/tampons, but even though she's wrong, the reason you're supposed to listen to your parents is not always because they're right, but because they're your parents. (Gosh, there were a lot of 'buts' in that sentence.) So stealing the cups back is probably not a great idea. However, nobody deserves to be uncomfortable on their periods, and so here's my suggestion.

Make a slideshow about cups. Include info about the discomfort and chemicals that come with disposable pads, proper washing and sterilizing techniques (shows her you're willing to and have the know how to keep your cup clean), testimonials from medical professionals about cups, and info about how cups do NOT take away your virginity or stretch your vagina, plus anything else you can come up with. Then EMAIL it to her, or print it out, hand it to her, and walk away so she can't start the yelling till she's read the info you have.

Don't discuss cups with her till she's read the info and is ready to have a civilized conversation with you- inquire politely and often about whether she's read the info yet. She will eventually- don't worry. Till then, I find Always Infinity Overnights to be a good disposable pad- still can't hold a candle to cups, but lots of coverage and very absorbent. Keeping pads in your bag is not a big deal, or you can keep them in a smaller pouch. All the girls have this problem- they won't judge.

Good luck!

KaleidoscopeEydkaleidoscopeeyd on April 1st, 2014 10:32 am (UTC)
Just curious, have you tried giving your mom a powerpoint to read or talking to another adult? Reading your story made me feel kind of sad that your mum seemed so unwilling to listen about your preferences for taking care of your body.
I hope things calmed down and she gave you your cups back.
Just out of curiosity, how did you pay for them? Was it with an allowance you earned or just money your mom gave to you? I know when I was 13, if I had asked for, say, lunch money, and spent it on somehing else... That would have been the thing to make my mom mad.

I really sincerely hope things are better now.
Dealing with your period is bad enough without being able to control how you take care of it or the stress of fighting with a loved one.
Best wishes to you
And kudos for being brave enough to stand up for yourself and your body
helina1helina1 on April 2nd, 2014 01:27 am (UTC)
Unfortunately, I haven't gotten my cups back, and I highly doubt I ever will get them back.

I never even bought those with my parent's money. I saved up money from doing odd jobs at church and parties and I used the remains of my birthday money to get a Visa gift card and then buy them using that. So far, my mom won't bring up the subject, even when we're alone and they're all clearly visible. In fact, she told my dad and I think both of them are trying to get me to forget about cups altogether, which will be a tough task.

I'll try emailing her, since she would get it on her phone and would have to read it. But she's convinced that I was merely disrespectful and not thinking correctly when I got them, and everything I tell her about my period problems seems to be completely disregarded, which was why I resorted to the internet in he first place.

(And just to get an idea of how little my parents knew about cups and what proved they were making up a bunch of baloney was when they thought they were "pornographic devices"- I know I might have sounded a bit disrespectful to my parents, but in my defense, it's hard to not get annoyed when your actual facts proven with real evidence are easily shot down by myths and false assumptions simply because you're younger. And also, I felt the need to just rant.)
Ellenauditioning on June 8th, 2014 09:14 pm (UTC)
How are things going now? Here are my thoughts.
Helina1, I hate to wake up a dead thread, but your story is so compelling. You're telling the story of all mothers and daughters. First, you find this wonderful new technology to help you solve a problem in your life. Your lack of fear is a beautiful thing. I waited much longer than you to use tampons even. Being familiar with your anatomy is so healthy. Education and understanding of your body can never be bad.

You took the time to research cups thoroughly. When your mom is confronted with the new technology, she reacts to it based on her fear of you growing up and becoming sexually active (I know it's just a menstrual product, but she interpreted it as a pleasure toy, not that there's anything wrong with that, but that's another topic). Without taking the time to learn about it like you did, she concluded in an instant that it wasn't good for you, and went into protection mode full force.

Now that she has had some time to think it over, I hope that the shock has worn off. Maybe your mom has even done some googling about cups in the mean time. After all, she has a smart phone. I think that education could dispel a lot of fear. Although you may have given her lots of facts already, she might not have heard them because she panicked. That this new technology is a vaginal insert is all tied up with sexuality. It's very emotionally charged.

I'm glad that you have let things be for a little while.

I have a 2 year old daughter and I want her to be confident about her body and to become a strong woman, above all. I know your mom loves you and wants the same for you. You've just given her a shock that you are growing up but once she recovers and has some correct information about cups, presented to her at a time she is calm, you may be surprised at her openness.

It sounds like you already figured out what to do. You need to talk to her again. Gently. With love. She should know you are a good girl. I suggest saying all you want to say to her in letter form.

You might write something like this. "Dear Mom, It's been hard on me that we have been fighting about menstrual cups. I know you are so upset because you care about me so much and want to protect me. Right now I do need your help to find a solution for my period. My period is very heavy and I wear 4 pads to school because of the people who go through your stuff. I have leaks all the time and it's very stressful. When I found out about the cups I was so excited because I thought that I found a solution to my problem. Many women are using them with great success. Cups are made of safe silicone (the kind in heart valve replacements, not breast implants), not absorbent cotton that bacteria can thrive on. You can't feel them when they are placed correctly, you don't have to worry about not having enough pads, and you can do sports in them. Even a famous swimmer, Julia Wilkinson is endorsing them. http://www.southwesternontario.ca/sports/julia-wilkinson-signs-on-with-divacup/

"I don't want to hate my body and my period. I would feel much better if I could take care of it in this very safe, clean way. I hope that we can learn more about cups together before we decide on them.

What was it like when you got your first period?

Love, Your daughter"

Edited at 2014-06-08 09:15 pm (UTC)
Ellenauditioning on June 8th, 2014 09:14 pm (UTC)
One more thing--I had a confrontation with my aunt who did not support me in breastfeeding my child. I was very surprised since my aunt is another woman who is also a mother, and I assumed she knew the benefits of what I was doing. I thought long and hard about why a woman would say things like that to another woman! It hurt because I love my auntie! I decided that the best course of action would have been to flip the focus. I needed to ask her what her feelings on the subject were, what she knew from books, and how breastfeeding went with her children. She clearly had a lot to say on the subject, but my emotions kept me from asking. I reacted with anger, when I wish I had listened with compassion. I think her experience was much different than mine, and she was showing that to me in the same cruel way older women had treated her.

Let's not pass that on, let's break that cycle and support each other as women. Through love and education we can understand each other better, even though we disagree.

Have a long conversation with your mother by letter or however is appropriate for you. Good luck. We've all got your back, sister.
Ellenauditioning on June 8th, 2014 09:38 pm (UTC)
Here is an informative description of what a menstrual cup is from a doctor. Worth sharing with you mom.

http://drjengunter.wordpress.com/2011/08/14/what-is-a-menstrual-cup-and-why-should-i-use-one/
arylisa on January 1st, 2015 04:39 am (UTC)
Hey. I read your post and just wanted to say, you're not the only 13-year-old with a strict mother. :/ I'm also 13 years old, and my mother flat out refused to acknowledge my requests for tampons because of TSS risk, which is relatively rare with tampon use nowadays. She was even more indignant at the idea of a cup. I turned to my older sister and told her about cups, and she agreed to buy me a Divacup for $40, which is how I am currently able to get access to a menstrual cup, though I haven't exactly worked out insertion yet. :P So, just saying, young girls with uninformed mothers unite!

Edited at 2015-01-01 04:40 am (UTC)
lindxx on December 25th, 2015 01:08 pm (UTC)
Sameeeeee
I'm pretty new to this community, but this comment is like me in a nutshell. When I was 12, I brought up the topic of tampons to my mum, and she shot me down because it'll "take my virginity". When I mentioned menstrual cups, she was still all about how I shouldn't put stuff in the "forbidden area". Well, she doesn't know that I use tampons, and have been using them for a while, and I got my friend who visits the US to pick up a cup for me, and she's coming back in January, so I'll be getting that soon. Meanwhile, I'm trying to send subtle signs to convert my mum, but while that happens, I'll just hide my tampons under boxes of pads.