Okay, you have no idea how much I want to love my mooncup and recommend it to other people and never find out that I had two tampons in simultaneously again (yes, really). But this is starting to seem like a sick joke. I'm a first time cup user, and I just got it a couple days ago. My period is due Wednesday, so I've been practicing. I'd already inserted and removed it twice--always a little uncomfortable going in, always a little PAINFUL and difficult to get out. The last time I decided to trim the stem to get rid of that "dry tampon" rubbing sensation. So I did and popped 'er back in.
COULD NOT GET THE BLASTED THING OUT. Went to bed with it in last night after my fingers started to prune. Seriously. Got back up today, thought I'd have another go before driving to a state park as I'd intended. Instead of the park, I spent my day off diving into my apparently labyrinthine vagina, alternatedly leaning over the sink, sitting on the toilet, or crawling around on the bathroom floor, sometimes breathless and sweating, sometimes laughing uncontrollably at the sheer ridiculousness of it. Tried a toothbrush handle and tweezers at various points. My wrist feels almost sprained from craning it trying to reach the rim with the tip of my finger (never happened).
My fingers were already bloody from pinching at the skin, grabbing and losing the stem, trying my damnedest to break the suction. At one point I was l sitting against the wall with my legs apart, doing yoga breathing, one finger from each hand jammed up inside me, holding my vag open like a speculum. This seemed to work better than anything, as the cup did finally come down enough where I could frantically grab at the stem AND press against the cup with one finger. However, it would invariably shoot back up inside me before the suction was properly broken. Apparently I need another hand to remove this thing, preferably attached to a monkey's tail growing out of my ass.
FINALLY, FINALLY, THANK YOU GOD I managed to remove the thing. It was a two-handed removal, with me waddling back to the toilet, holding on for dear life so the suction woudln't return and so I wouldn't spill whatever lady juices had collected in it (I jog and such, so I'm always discharging something lovely). By this time, I was so sore and so one with my vagina that the idea of trying to shield my opening from being stretched apart was no longer on my mind, so I just pressed enough to get the rim into a sort of banana shape and ripped it out like a cork.
Blood, in the toilet. Wiped with paper. Plenty more blood. Finally put on a panty liner. Checked vag with mirror, couldn't tell much. I feel like it's a lot of blood for someone who's had two pelvic exams/pap smears, the first of which was quite excruciating. I'm trying to convince myself it woudln't be so bad if I hadn't taken an aspirin after "bearing down" till I gave myself a semi-migraine.
Anyway. It's far too late to go to the park like I wanted, so I'm going to drive and get a .50 cent vanilla cone at Burger King and try not to shit myself in terror. Any words of encouragement will be much appreciated.
EDIT: Well, it's the next day now. Pretty sure my vag hurt in a dull, I-can-deal-with-this sort of way all night, and I noticed while showering that I'm still pretty sore. Kind of terrified to try this thing again. I know I CAN get it out, but I don't have 6 hours to GIVE BIRTH to my mooncup every time I need to change it. Thanks again to everyone who responded; you guys are awesome.