spartagus (spartagus) wrote in menstrual_cups,

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vaginas:not always your friend.

All right, so I bought a Diva Cup the other day...

I'd been thinking of getting one for a long time, ever since my friend came home from being away and told me she had been introduced to them and loved it. I'm relatively young, 20, and still a virgin, and I think I have a very small vag hole if this ordeal and other experiences are any indication. For these reasons I shyed away, but four days ago I was running low on pads and asked my mom to pick one up on her lunch hour, since the store that sells them is only a 5 minute walk from her office. She's disgusted by the idea, but agreed. So she comes home that night, hands me the bag, and says "You know I love you when. Store #1 didn't have them like the website said, but they said the store across the street had them. The sex shop. Let us never mention this again." What a silly lady. Anyway, so I was really excited but waited till the next morning when everyone else would be at work.
The next morning I'm bursting with anticipation(and blood). In I go to the bathroom, and try. Nope, ok, try again. For 40 minutes with the C fold. No dice. So onto the handy internet, look up how the hell I'm supposed to do this. I discover this wonderful community and the post on different folds. Trying the punch down I got it in a bit further, but it's still just not working. After 3 more hours(I tried for another 30 minutes, took a bath to calm my vag muscles, then tried again for two hours) still no dice and I need to go to work. I tried sitting down, standing up, on the floor, squatting, leaning to the right, leaning to the left, on the floor with my feet up, to the side, braced against stuff, in the tub, while doing a headstand, with my feet behind my head, while singing opera. Nothing. I'm very displeased. My vagina hurts. The bathroom looks like a murder scene.
That night I call my friend and mention that I'm having a lot of trouble, and she says it only took her 20 minutes! So I'm feeling terribly inadequate. But she tells me not to lose hope, think of the environment. I'm such a sucker for planet earth not dying.
So the next day I put it off all day, but finally I get home from the barn at 10:30 and decided to try again, as my hips are always relaxed after riding. This time I manage to get it 3/4 the way in before it opens up. I feel like an UMBREALLA just got shoved up my crotch and opened up. I am now referring to my cup as the crotch umbrella. But I'm determined. And crying, just a little. I have an pretty good pain tolerance- tattoos, piercings, concussions, fights with the ground(when I fall off the horse) are all no biggy. But my vagina isn't getting the "tough as Iggy Pop and Lou Reed's lovechild would be" message my brain is sending it. So I give up, go to bed, and ponder.
This morning I am so determined it's not even funny. After I biked and showered I spend maybe 30 minutes and then.....FOOP! It goes in. I am amazed. The stem is still sticking out so I stand up and feel the cup go "swoooop" as it travels up my vajayjay. Very far up. I try twisting the stem to make it circle-it won't. So now I'm freaking out about that. I calm down, squat, bear down, and grasp grasp. Nothing. I took a 10 minute break, calmed down, just didn't think about it, and pulled on the stem. I didn't take it all the way out, because right then my brother decides that he wants to shower(even though he has his own shower in the basement, the main bathroom is the only one that will do this minute) and starts banging on the door and yelling at me for having the gall to use a fraction of the hot water, irregardless of the fact that I just took a cold shower because I was sweaty. Boys. So he's flipping out at me, not very relaxing, so I give up trying to rescue my cup from being eaten by the vagina. But I got the stem far enough out that I think with some coaxing I'll be able to get it out at the end of the day. I am still wearing a pad just incase I screwed up, so fingers crossed.
BUT How the hell can ya'll cut the stem? I read about some people cutting it off completely! How do you get it out!? My stem is a tiny bit uncomfortable, but nothing too bad, so I can deal with it(I might round the edges but nothing more)-I think I'll have to unless I want to get the crotch umbrella surgically removed. I have a feeling riding is going to be painful though, and help with the cup being eaten by my vag thing, but we don't have to cross that bridge for another month, though once I do a couple dry runs I might try it. I can just see me now, jumping off the horse and running, yelling to my coach that my crotch umbrella's hurting something awful. I don't think anyone would be surprised at anything that comes out of my mouth anymore.
Anyway that's my story, expect a post in 6 hours of me saying I'm on the way to the hospital to get my crotch sawed open. I have a terribly bad habit of doing keegals(I think that's what they're called) while I'm just sitting, it comes from riding-there's a thing called a half-halt which is greatly aided by a strong keegal. I fear this will encourage the crotch umbrella to be eaten.

Any suggestions? Sorry for the ramble!

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